Depression Comes From the Belly

Depression is something that I have been battling for about 4 years now. For about the first year I had no idea what was going on with me. It was during this time that I gained most of my weight, approximately 100 pounds!! This was like nothing I had ever experienced before… I couldn’t get out of bed, I wasn’t productive at work, I went to bed by 7:30 at night and my house and finances were a disaster.

After that first year I went to see my doctor about the problems I had been experiencing. I was diagnosed with chronic depression at that point and we began the search for a medication that would help me. Another thing that she recommended for me was talk therapy. She also told me at this time that I needed to try to lose some weight and it would help my depression. This was something that was going through my head every minute of every day. I knew that I needed to lose weight, but it seemed like an impossible task at that point. I couldn’t get out of bed, or cook myself dinner. How was I going to be able to exercise and cook a healthy meal.

I began taking an antidepressant right away and tried my hardest to lose weight, even though it seemed like failure after failure in my attempts. I also started seeing a therapist. She created a safe environment for me to let my feelings out. She also encouraged me to do things for myself that would make me feel better, things like short walks and socializing. The entire time that I saw her, though, she kept saying, “there must be a traumatic experience in your past that is making you feel depressed.”

There wasn’t. I had a great childhood, good friends, I was always happy and laughing. I could not come up with any reason why I was depressed. This also made the depression very frustrating, because I couldn’t explain it to people around me. If you have never suffered from depression there is no way you could know how debilitating it can be. I stopped seeing the therapist after about 4 months.

The next 2 and a half years went by and I was doing ok, but basically coasting. I no longer cried every day and was maintaining my life with just medication. There was just one problem… I was still not losing weight. I wasn’t gaining it at a high rate of speed like before, but it certainly wasn’t getting any better. Also, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life on medication. It seemed like my only option though and this was as good as it was going to get. I accepted this.

This last January I finally hit a point in my health where I had to lose weight. My health was circling the drain. I went to see a nutritional healing consultant because I was beginning to feel terrible all the time. Right away she took me off of gluten. This is the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me!! I started dropping weight like crazy and I felt great. I have been gluten free for 7 months now, I’ve lost 50 pounds and I am happy to say that I have been antidepressant free for 6 weeks!!

I now realize that my antidepressant was keeping me from experiencing all feeling all together. I am much happier and energetic!! I still cry on occasion, but I know why I am crying now, there is always an explainable reason. I also cry tears of joy, which has been unheard of for the last four years. I had no idea that an antidepressant would eliminate all feelings. There is research all over the internet about how gluten effects our moods. I really wish that someone would have told me this 4 years ago. I’m not saying that I didn’t need to take an antidepressant to get me headed back in the right direction, but I feel like this rough road would have been a lot shorter had I known how much what I was putting into my belly was effecting my health.

Bringing Me Back to Point

I just need to check in with myself today and organize my thoughts. I feel like the last few days have been so busy that I haven’t thought much about my health. At least not on a conscience level, although it’s always in the back of my mind. I had a lot of goals that I was working on that I didn’t do completely. I’m trying to not beat myself up over them, so that I can just keep moving forward!!

My first goal that I did really well with for a full 7 days was my RunStreak (which I was actually biking and walking). I was hoping to make it until the end of July with some sort of mile long movement everyday though. I did 7 days in a row and I didn’t fit it in on Saturday. I was really bummed, but the reason that I didn’t get it in is a good one, I think!! Saturday was my first day off in 8 weeks and I was spending it with my husband up until the time that we had bachelor/bachelorette parties to attend. I really didn’t want to take the time away from him, because we just don’t get much of it. I did, however, get up Sunday morning and got right back on my bike to go to work. I was glad I picked it right back up!! It rained all afternoon yesterday though, so my hubby had to come pick me up from work. I’m ok with that, because it’s out of my control and I am gonna ride my bike to work again today 🙂

2nd goal was to not get on the scale for 1 week. I have an addiction and I don’t know how to kick it!! I weighed in on Wednesday and made it until Saturday morning before weighing myself again. It actually was very helpful to not weigh myself!! I ate way better meals and attempted to move more. Then I weighed myself again today and I was up 2 pounds and I feel discouraged. I know that I had several cocktails over the weekend which throws everything out of whack, plus I ate cheese a couple times this weekend and my body doesn’t agree with cheese. I know that there are lots of things that make my weight vary so much over just a couple days, so I can’t let this bring me down today!! I really want to work on this, but I need some ideas. Not stepping on the scale every single day would be liberating!!

Starting this blog has been helpful though!! I got some tips on weight loss from a friend and there is one that I am definitely going to do (more on that later)!! Plus, this has led me to lots of support from my friends, and family. Also, I got a new idea for breakfast at the bachelorette party this weekend that I am going to try today!! All natural protein shake without adding a weird powder!! I love this idea because I am trying to steer clear of processed foods and lots of added weird chemicals.

My nutritionist keeps talking about counting carbs, but I know exactly how that will go at this point in my life. I will handle it for about 3 days, become overwhelmed and derail completely. I know that I need to do this to jump start my weight loss again. I am going to make an effort to just not choose carbs as often this week. This way I will be cutting down on the carbs, but without the pressure of looking up and recording the carb count on every single thing that I eat!! That may be something that I will be able to commit to once school starts, but I am way to busy right now for that.

Well, I feel a little more organized in my head, so I am off to the tub and then to the store to buy a couple ingredients!!

 

To weigh or not to weigh… That is the Question!!

Today is Weigh-In Wednesday. That is what I have been calling it for the last several months. It’s a weekly event that was created by my all time favorite blogger, Roni!! This is the day of the week where she, myself and others weighs ourselves (as if that wasn’t already clear) 🙂

Myself… I am struggling with one thing about weighing in weekly. I feel the need to weigh myself every. single. day. This can be helpful (in my head) and detrimental all at the same time.

I feel like weighing myself daily may be what keeps me in check everyday. I think that maybe if I don’t see progress everyday it will keep me from going overboard when I am faced with a temptation. That is SO not the case though!! By the time a temptation comes around I can guarantee that I am not thinking about that number on the scale at a moments notice.

Also, I can tell when the scale will show a positive or a negative before I even go to bed!! I know how my day went, what I should have eaten and what I should not have. I know how hard my workout was or, if I didn’t work out, wether or not I was active at all that day. Sometimes I feel like I step on that scale hoping for something magical to happen. A number that says “You totally got away with that hamburger and fries yesterday!!” Does it ever happen? Sometimes…

Most likely when that happens, it’s because of another factor. Such as, dehydration, no dinner, or bloating the day before. I know that if I see a loss after a bad day, it’s not a real number, so why is it still satisfying to me?

All of this lead up to this… Roni has been boycotting a weekly weigh in on her site. She is enjoying the liberation of not being weighed down by “the number on the scale”. I know at this point in my journey that I could not swear off weigh in’s altogether, but I feel like I should maybe cut them down to once a week. Maybe if I don’t weigh myself everyday it will keep me in check not knowing where I am every day.

I do believe that I have talked myself into jumping OFF the scale for the next 6 days!! We’ll see how this works!!

 

P.S. I am down to 243.2 this week!! Down another 0.8 pounds… I’ll take it!!

Will Power Paired With Accountability

Today was the type of day that I struggle with about 4 times a week. This is the type of day where I spend the whole day with fried potatoes everywhere I look. Working at a fast food restaurant is very taxing on my will power!!

When I first went to see my nutritionist, the foods that I was having trouble with were the foods that I was eating every day. Several times a day. I ate a lot of tacos, soft shell tacos, with cheese. I loved the breakfast that we serve at work, so I ate eggs daily. It was very hard for me to learn to eat at work without straying from my plan.

The only thing that kept me sane through the first month of crazy cravings was the fact that I was able to eat the potatoes. This wasn’t a problem at first, because I was losing weight fast enough just by cutting out the gluten. Now I am at a plateau, and I know that the food I eat at work is what is holding me back.

The last 3 weeks have not shown a loss on the scale, and this week is trending that way, too… Today I made a solid effort to eat at least a little bit better, so I can maybe at least have a pound off. I don’t require much change in the number at this point in the game, but it does keep a person moving forward if you do see a move in the right direction. I realize that it’s not a numbers game, it’s about my health, but I really like numbers at this point!!

I made sure that I wasn’t even hungry when I went to work. I ate a big bowl of fruit and yogurt before I left the house, because sometimes I feel too hungry to make it to break time. This is when I binge on potatoes, when I feel like eating is an emergency. Sometimes I really need to tell myself (sometimes even out loud) that “eating is not an emergency!!”

The very first thing I did when I walked in the door, at work this morning, was told my coworkers that I was making a vow to not eat any potatoes all day. I felt like making it public would somehow give me more will power to make it through the day. I guess that is part of the reason that I am giving this blogging thing a whirl!! Needless to say, I MADE IT!! I didn’t have one single potato today!! I did have to have some corn chips and salsa dip to cure a munchie craving I had, but I am ok with that, it wasn’t potatoes.

Sometimes, I feel like all I can handle is just one goal for one day, sometimes even just an hour. Small changes, big results!! I think that every little bit helps and we will see if my efforts show up on the scale in the morning 🙂

Starting In the Middle

 

I know this seems really odd that I am down 42 pounds and just now starting a blog to assist in my weight loss journey, but it’s what I need right now to keep me going strong!! I started this journey in January. In November I had lost my job at a local car dealership, and began working at my place of employment from high school… a fast food business. 

This was a life changing experience for my health. I was working as many hours as I could to make ends meet. I was eating at work, because we don’t get a break where we can leave the store. Also, I was so exhausted all the time that I wasn’t cooking the best meals for my husband and I. It made me very sick, and I ignored the problems for the next month or so.

I saw my doctor and she told me that I was probably experiencing some sensitivities to food. The problem was that I had no health insurance, and the tests to find out what I was sensitive to were very expensive. She gave me some pointers and I was able to get my digestion somewhat on track by the first of the year (2013). I still needed to know more!!

There is a business in my town that does nutritional healing, and I made an appointment to see them. The prices were WAY more reasonable that at the clinic!! After my initial consultation the nutritionist informed me that I was sensitive to eggs, cheese, and refined sugar. I cut those things out immediately. A few weeks down the road my system started to reject gluten, so I also cut that out.

That is the basis of what I started this journey on. It wasn’t easy, but it has helped me in way more ways than just weight loss. My program is going very well, but I want to lose about 80 more pounds to put me in my “healthy” range. This is why I have started this blog after already having success with my weight loss!! I needed a change of pace to keep me going strong, and maybe some support from an online community wouldn’t hurt either 🙂